As a counselor, I work to help people get mentally, emotionally, and spiritually healthier overall. Something I talk a lot about is self-care. Most people think of things like taking a hot bath, getting a massage, etc. But self-care is more about how we live our daily lives, the choices we make and how we spend our time. When I start talking about these things, most women will say they just don’t have the time and energy to do more for themselves or even think it’s selfish to make themselves a priority. We’ve all heard the phrase “you can’t pour from an empty cup” but as women, we tend to wait until we are all poured out and then try to fill up with short term, superficial things. A hot bath once a week isn’t going to cut it when we are living the rest of the week stressed and overwhelmed!
We focus so much on pouring into our families, work and church, that we tend to neglect our own needs. We tend to stuff our emotions and become depressed or stay in stress mode and have high anxiety. All the while telling ourselves that that’s just the way it is. Yes, we were made to be caretakers and nurturers, but we were never meant to do so in isolation. God never intended us to be so busy with all of our “duties” that we put our relationship with Him and others on the back burner.
One of the most important aspects of self-care is connection. Our connection with God being #1. Our relationship with God should be the foundation of all of our earthly connections. We must first love the “Lord our God with all our heart, soul, and mind, and then love our neighbor as ourselves.” We won’t be able to love others well if we don’t truly love the Lord and want to honor Him, because we will easily revert back to selfishness and pride.
Many times God sends help and support through other people. This is why our social connections are so important. Studies have shown that lack of connection is more harmful to our health than obesity, smoking, and high blood pressure! However, strong social connections lead to a 50% increased chance of life longevity, decreased anxiety and depression, a higher sense of self-worth, greater empathy, a better immune system and can help us recover from sickness and disease faster.
Luckily, the Bible gives us some guidelines on how to connect and love each other well.
1 Peter 1:22 says Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart
This goes beyond just being kind to each other, we are called to cultivate quality relationships.
Romans 1:12 We are mutually encouraged by each other’s faith
We are called to be examples of Christ to others in our lives and have people that are examples for us
Proverbs 27:17 As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another
We should be able to confront sinful or unrighteous behavior with our brothers and sisters in Christ in order to truly help one another grow and honor the Lord.
From a practical standpoint, to form true, deep, quality connections, we have to be intentional.
So, how do we do it? What are the steps? Those that know me, know I love a good plan and checklist! So here you go.
- Take the initiative…I know how hard it can be to step out of your comfort zone, especially for introverts like me! But challenge yourself to speak to new people and try new groups, activities, etc.
- Be wise….The kinds of connections we make matter. Basic psychology tells us that we will become more like who we surround ourselves with. Proverbs 12:26 The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray.
- Be vulnerable…be honest about what’s going on with you. Instead of saying “I’m fine” when someone asks how you are, it’s ok to say “You know, I’ve not been doing so great” or “I’ve been struggling with….” Vulnerability is scary, but is one of the best ways to build deeper bonds with others. Now, of course you want to be mindful ….and choose wisely who you share with!
- Be intentional…..ask others deeper question that encourage them to be honest and vulnerable….not just “How are you” but specifically “How’s life going with 2 teenagers in the house?”
- Be open….We can all get comfortable in our cliques, but be open to including others in your circle, especially us introverts that may need a little more encouragement to join in
- Let go of shame….many times we don’t openly share our struggles because we are worried what other people will think of us and want to look like we’ve got it all together. But the truth is we are ALL struggling with something and it helps us to know we are not alone.
- Have good boundaries…we may need to let go of some things that keep us too busy, or some people who are not healthy for us, to free up time and energy to cultivate better relationships
- Serve others…God designed us to experience His love through loving and serving others well. We will find friendship and community when we serve others. Ephesians2:10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared ahead of time for us to do.
- Self reflect… Lamentations 3:40 Let us examine and probe our ways, and let us return to the Lord. Consider personal issues that may be hurting your relationship with God and others. This can be anything from past trauma, grief, to poor self worth or having a judgmental attitude.
Professional Counseling can help A LOT in your journey of Self-Care and cultivating healthy connections in your life! If you’d like to schedule with one of our Counselors, click HERE to see their Bios.